Having Male Friends in Pakistan is Complicated

You might think the biggest cultural difference a liberal Californian in Pakistan would experience is around religion but that’s not the case (this is the 3rd Muslim-majority country I’ve lived in, I love them).

Where I struggle is around dealing with men.

Western women are accustomed to having close relationships with male friends & colleagues. I have one female bestie and the rest of my friends are men. I treat men and women the same and behave the same around them. But this year I’ve learned I can’t do that here as freely.

Pakistan is a VERY patriarchal society so “me being me” gets misunderstood by men. In July when I was in an upsetting situation (bordering on dangerous), a dear male friend gave me a set of rules to follow, which HAS stopped the misunderstandings. Things like no hand shakes / hugging, joking around less, and having meetings in public spaces (my “unsafe” situation happened alone in my apartment during what was supposed to be a pitch meeting).

Old Friend Who Inspired This Post

That same dear male friend is one of the few people in Pakistan I’ve been able to be 100% myself around, which has been a gift over the years. That is, until a few months ago. He hugged me a bit tighter & longer than usual the last time we met for dinner. Not a big deal for me. Yet afterwards … he felt some kind of way (my guess is that he cut me out to avoid temptation?). Suddenly he stopped having friendly chats with me and won’t meet up. I am now ‘persona non grata’ and he is no longer my friend.

In fact, when I brought it up, he told me we were NOT FRIENDS, only acquaintances. Yet that’s not true. Over the years, he’s kindly hosted ‘leaving’ and ‘welcome back to Pakistan’ parties in my honour. When we coincided in different cities around Pakistan we’d meet up. And this year we’d catch up almost monthly, always as platonic friends.

Friends do that, not acquaintances.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Losing that friendship hurt, which he knows, hasn’t acknowledged, nor said “sorry”.

I’m hoping this is an isolated incident and that my social network will continue to grow w/ women and men who are simply good fun to be around!

My fingers & toes are crossed 🤞🏼