Accepting Being Ghosted is Anguish

April 2, 2022 - By Angela Carson

It’s not often I feel both PURE JOY & ANGUISH so raw.

Today I’m the happiest in years, with my life “uncharacteristically responsible” and re-established in my favourite Asian city, Kuala Lumpur. Wonderful clients and (starting next week!) travel adventures that enrich my days. A new radio gig every Friday on a Malaysian station that broadcasts weekly to almost a million people! I’m truly grateful…

And then there’s my pain. My bain. The essence of my life that will not let the happy part of me live without a shadow. The part of me that WAS punishing myself the past 3 months (anxiety meds, binge drinking on the rougher nights). Making me feel like I’m rubbish so the rest of my life must be some form of impostorism. That I’m not deserving of love from someone I want it from the most.

And that stems from 1 human. The love of my life for all intents and purposes 😢

Being ghosted and not told “why” is a special kind of torment. I genuinely believed we had an honest, open relationship and could talk about anything. So believing I’ve caused this to happen has been awful. It’s different to an amicable dissolution of a relationship. And it’s different to having had a fight. Those both produce an understanding of the “why” and – while they don’t help the pain of losing someone – they do help in moving on.

Today begins month 4 of this and I FINALLY realise that:

There’s nothing I can do but wait (THE WORST PART of living far from the ones we love)
Drowning my sorrows night after night is counterproductive.
I’ve asked over and over again … WHAT DID I DO? PLEASE, I DON’T UNDERSTAND. And that’s been the hardest part. Being ghosted is my reality but I must have done something truly awful or abhorrent to trigger all this and it’s killing me to think I’ve hurt this person. I hope one day to know what I did and be given a chance to apoologise.
Positivity and LOVE WILL DRIVE ME FORWARD so I can’t keep trying to fix it & relive the pain, I have to acknowledge we don’t have a relationship for now.

Writing is cathartic and has always helped me to move on. So as sad as I am to write this, today I finally accept what I cannot change…